I can't believe it's been four weeks already. It feels like time is stretching. Sometimes, it seems way too fast. Sometimes, it seems way too slow. I've lost track of a lot of things this week aside from time, and I think my memory is slipping too. I think a lot of it has to do with stress.
I sit at my desk, in front of my giant window, and I just watch my neighbors pass my house and enjoy their lives and I can't do the same. I watch the sun rise and fall and I'm doing homework all day. Every single day is the same. Wake up, go to classes, do homework for TWELVE HOURS, go to bed. It's ridiculous. I've fallen into a whirlpool of anxiety because after such a long winter without sunshine, I want to go outside and sit in the sun, if only for an hour, but I can't. I don't have time to, because my teachers are hell-bent on assigning me more homework than I could ever hope to finish on time.
I'm about halfway through the week and I'm exhausted already.
I miss being able to pick up my violin and get lost for hours and hours, just doing what I love. I love sitting in front of my window with my birds and not worrying about anything. I love playing the violin because the subtle vibrations under my fingers answer the question, "What was I born to do?" I love the click-click-click of my keyboard as I finally finish my writing projects.
I have ADHD. AT LEAST four songs are playing in my head at all times. Right now, it's Supalonely - BENEE, No Time to Die - Billie Eilish, Concerto No. 9 in A Minor - De Beriot, Born to Die - Lana del Rey, and Marche Slave - Tchaikovsky. It's overwhelming. I also always have reoccurring thoughts at any given moment. Right now, it's a handful of snippets of dialogue from a book I'm writing. My mind doesn't calm down enough to let me do anything unless I'm listening to music, watching something out of the corner of my eye, and I have something to fiddle around with.
So obviously, I'm a slow worker. But even the slowest student shouldn't have to spend half of their day doing homework after already being in school for 4 hours. It's exhausting. There's no way I can do anything else unless I want my grades to suffer, and they absolutely can't, not if I want to get into the college I want to go to.
On the subject of ADHD, I'm kind of a diagnostic riddle to my doctors. We've tried at least 5 different medications, and none of them work. Some of my doctors think it's because I don't have ADHD at all (I don't agree, I show all the classic signs like fidgeting, racing thoughts, etc), and some of them think I metabolize medicine differently and are suggesting all sorts of tests. Either way, all ADHD meds have ever done for me is make my heart-rate faster without actually solving the problem. If I don't get a better treatment soon, I might have to stay up even later to finish my homework, even though most assignments are due at midnight.
I'm tired of this. Next week, I hope I get less homework and more time to spend on the things I enjoy. I really don't want to make 50% of my day homework and the other 50% sleep and school. I have hobbies. I have a family. I have a dog. Not sure why teachers don't realize I have a life outside of sitting at my desk all day.